Hello from the extremely proud owner of three, soon to be four public library cards!1 I wrote most of the following on July 3rd, already belated, but here’s to the ceaseless journey of “catching up”…
There are so many things I’ve been wanting to write about (I didn’t have my laptop for a month, and these things move too quickly for pen and paper).2
I’ll start with the sky. Can you remember the last time you felt a child-like sense of wonder? For me, it was entering the Sistine Chapel (where I took a moment-long nap on a bench, joining the exclusive list of people who have fallen asleep in the Sistine Chapel). But I said I’d start with the sky.
The sky! Many of you were in Ontario for the all-important, all-encompassing total solar eclipse on April 8th. It was very special to see it as part of a big group of Artscis at good old Cootes, and I’m very glad that my sister was able to come see it with us, too. I felt like a child for all of it, from skipping my last genetics lecture to catch it from the start (which proved unnecessary, but not much goes on in a last science lecture anyway), to being antsy for about an hour before the moon actually started covering the sun, to wearing those goofy glasses and making crescent shadows with my fingers—all while being in total awe and excitement.
It was drastically darker and colder than any of us had expected. And the apocalyptic sunset colours at 3-something PM truly felt otherworldly. If we lived in the time pre-internet/circulation news, we definitely would have thought the world was ending. But instead, it went on, everything returning to normal too quickly—we looked at the sun with those plastic lenses one last time, made those shadow-moons for one last fleeting moment, then went inside to study for finals and get ready for the gym (hi Sask and Yao, love you lots).
Then, (crazily!) almost exactly a month later, on May 10th, I got a news notification (it might actually have been a retweet by Hank Green, but I did also get a news notification) that the Northern Lights would be visible in a lot of North America, including Vancouver, thanks to a large solar storm! Now, I know that “seeing the Northern Lights” is one of the most common bucket list items of all time, but it was truly up there on mine.
Before my current career trajectory, astronomy was a hypothetical option in that I would have tried to become an astronaut—but I don’t like roller coasters and also I’m weak. In high school, I subsequently had a pipe dream about going to the UTexas space medicine program (but my attention has been drawn to more earthly matters since). Now, I’m primarily drawn to the cosmos in a poetic sense. To explain what this means, here is the start of a poem I wrote based on a line in a documentary from our Grade 9 Science space unit:
“She is made of at least 90% stardust.
All elements needed in life
are created in the heart of a dying star
as its pulse slows down,
its twinkle dims,
until its rays do not reach her eyes.”
Like, it’s angsty teenage poetry… but how could I have gone to any program other than Artsci?
The Northern Lights, although you could only see the colours through your phone’s low exposure, lived up to their hype (sorry, Ontarians/people who had clouds, maybe next time). One notable part was that everyone there had just gotten the news notification a mere 12ish hours before it happened, and had congregated on a small mountain (Burnaby) via barely moving streams of cars, the kind typically limited to sports games or concerts or leaving work on a workday. We witnessed a few cars drive over a curb to park on the grass, and crush some probably important metal parts by doing so, and to be honest, that eased my anxieties about the upcoming date of May 14th momentarily. I guess sometimes you have to see people wreck their cars to get parking spots to stop your own self-centred worrying.
It turns out my family and I were facing the wrong way (North towards the horizon), but as soon as we heard that collective gasp, we followed everyone’s gaze through their phones to right above us. And it was beautiful! (These photos are unedited! How are they real?) Anything could happen on May 14th, now, and I’d be fine because I got to see a pink, purple, green and blue night sky!
I’d go and see them again… We did try to see them again the next day, but they didn’t appear. And May 14th (well, to be exact, May 13th around 9pm PST) went as well as it could!
I’ll continue with a story. At the end of our trip, we had a Very Long Travel Day, coming right after another Very Long Travel Day. On one of the several trains we took, a kid was watching TikToks exclusively with a Very Annoying musical sound—they must have watched at least 30 in a row, at a volume loud enough for me to hear from across the train. I managed it fine enough at first but eventually became annoyed enough to say something to my parents about how my children won’t be allowed personal devices until they’re at least thirteen and how this is what’s wrong with today’s youth. And then when the train got to the terminal station, we all stood up, and the child had a giant metal water bottle with a cartoon frog sticker and a rainbow heart sticker three times the size of the one on my computer. Needless to say, my heart melted and I felt such older sisterly affection that it completely replaced all of my annoyance, and forgiveness rushed over me, making me feel like one of the many maternal religious figures at every church and gallery in Italy. Happy (belated) Pride.
My parents, sister, and I are pretty great travelers. We journeyed to a pretty extensive list of monuments and coastal towns in Italy, but I still felt the most relaxed I’ve maybe ever felt in my life. Having almost no responsibilities—and the immense privilege and security of knowing where I’ll be for the next four years and part of what I’ll become—helped, too. A record low number of emails I’ve sent in a month since probably grade 8, although it was still >0!
Although I somehow didn’t listen to it at all on the train, Pure Heroine by Lorde has been one of my favourite albums since the year it came out (2013). One of the reasons is it was the first album I felt like I had discovered on my own—although I found it because “Royals” (and “Team”) played on the radio, I remember it being the first iTunes full album I bought with my iTunes gift card (although I may have bought the CD and uploaded it to iTunes). Before then, all of the albums I listened to were my parents’ CDs, and I liked them, but they weren’t mine.
I think that’s a pretty good metaphor for being the age I am: discovering things on my own accord, still taking recommendations from people I admire, but mainly just following my own ways. It’s been incredibly nice to have the time to read (and watch) whatever I want, pretty much whenever I’d like! (And I know that’s the biggest flex of all—it’s also known as unemployment.)
Some of my recently read:
Roaming by Jillian and Mariko Tamaki [these cousins are so talented and never disappoint me; this one’s about Ontarian undergrad students going to NYC for the first time together—need I say more.]
Tomorrow & Tomorrow & Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin [expanded my view of what’s possible in a novel; have never read about a platonic relationship so realistically constructed; felt like a YA novel in a good, very readable way.]
How to Pronounce Knife by Souvankham Thammavongsa [made me very emotional as it made me think about other immigrant lives including my grandparents’ and parents/aunts/uncles’.]
Stay True by Hua Hsu [haven’t finished because it was returned on Libby and now I must wait, but the first third or so was EXCELLENT, all about friendship and undergrad and finding your passions and your music.]
The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy [shoutout members of the WhatsApp chat called “arundhati roy simps”—probably the only chat to ever be named as such—I loved this book, especially for its depiction of childhood imagination, which I think needs to be featured in many more novels.]
I’ve read so much and watched so much that I have a lot of inspiration and feel like I need to write my own thoughts and stories down. It’s a good feeling and this is just a start! I could go on (and on and on—a lyric from my favourite Boygenius song, and one of my all-time favourite songs), but anyway. Running calls.
If I had to summarize all of these thoughts for you, dearest reader, I would say that being 21, so far, has been a process of remembering, or establishing, what’s important to me. That includes a sense of awe, discovery, community, learning how to care for myself and others, taking time to look up, the ability to forgive myself and others, and a knack for being myself in different/all circumstances, at least in some way. It’s a journey of forever catching up, with people, in my journal, on this blog, and potentially on my Instagram (to be determined whether I want to share my incredible Italy-based photos on such a public venue or not—I’ve got to keep some things to myself, even/especially in this age). And it also includes you. You’re important. No apologies.
I’m starting to be able to see where I could be within the next few years, and it’s exciting. Maybe it’ll include finishing Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norell or Wuthering Heights. Maybe not. Maybe I’ll feel like an adult???3 Maybe not.
I’ll end with the ending of that poem I wrote as a 13-14 year old:
“The most precious elements, gold and silver, are made in the largest stars.
We call the outstanding of our kind Stars,
thinking they shine a little more than the rest of us.
Maybe more of their rays just reach our eyes.
If we are all made of atoms, we are made of mostly empty space.
Just like outer space, filled with dark matter,
we are made of unknown matter too.
Matter, that compels us to probe through universes in the hope
that someone, something else will be there.
Subatomic particles orbit a nucleus,
planets orbit the sun
Where does that leave us
as she lies awake at night”
The sky is pretty cool, and so was my ninth grade self. See you soon.
- M.
For those of you surely wondering, you can add multiple library cards to Libby, multiplying your ability to get the e-book/audiobook you desire, as long as you have an address in that city. And you can get a library card in a city where you don’t have an address!
Read the rest of this post interspersed with lines of “Please, Please, Please” by Sabrina Carpenter to get the full experience.
[heartbreak is one thing, my ego’s another]
On that note, I love pop music more than I’ve ever loved it before and have to wonder if that’s because I’m the same age as these singers? Like, Billie Eilish is 12 months older than me and Olivia Rodrigo is 2 months younger than me, and although that’s terrifying, it makes sense that I like their music because we’ve grown up with similar music and influences (and also I’ve thankfully lost my “this thing is popular and therefore I cannot fully enjoy it” way of moving about the world).
From the time I was 17 until my undergrad graduation ceremony, I felt like I was 17. Now I feel… more relaxed, thanks to a relaxing summer and trip. I don’t feel 17 anymore but I don’t know if I feel 21.
this is the most perfect update, mai <3
Marked down as required reading before turning 21, I was lucky to catch it before next week teehee